Sometimes I feel like I sped right through that reckless stage, and was immediately expected to be an adult. J was my boyfriend for a very long time. He grew with me, and for the most part, it was one of the most enjoyable times of my life. But sometimes I feel like I skipped screwing up. In my undergrad, I lived at home, borrowed no money, had a wonderful boyfriend, had the most memorable time with my friends on the weekends and pretty much stayed on the straight and narrow. I certainly don't envy people who had it rough, I am thankful daily of the way I was loved and supported (am loved and supported), but now, when I'm being irresponsible, or my parents have to help me out of EVERY monetary situation, well it makes me feel like such a child. And I keep saying, just a few more months, and then I can start making a difference in my own life, and I won't feel like such a screwup. Which is strange, because I can make that difference now. I can start today. It was my choice to go back here, to do this education, yet I made no preparation. I just jumped. And I'm so happy I did, but so ready to stop saying "Dad, I can't afford this. And I'm scared." I can't afford this education I'm getting, and I'll probably be paying for it for the next 5 years. Please be worth it. I'm good at it. Please be worth it.

Also, never ever Google image Librarian...Unless you are looking for Sexy Librarian pics...Which I WAS!

Grampy

Thinking about Earnest Joseph Arsenault today.

I hope his time on earth with us and fighting for his country made him happy. A very brave man, who loved his five daughters and wife beyond belief.

Wonderful :)

Rusty

Instead of writing about it. Instead of wishing for it. I just have to do it. Look at me, writing about it. Basically, this morning C and I were discussing people doing great things. He has a friend who does all these epic hikes, and 7 marathons in 7 days kinda thing, and I was all "I need to do something big!" and he goes "you're getting your masters, that's big!". Why doesn't it feel that way? It's huge. Maybe not in the grand scheme of it all, but especially for me, right now. It's big.
Maybe it's more about my body and mind and wondering what they can really do if pushed. I know it's a running joke that I'm rather, aherm, slow...somewhat lazy, but I do know how to push my body, and I've done it before. It's more my dedication that is lacking, that lets me down. It use to be about being healthy, which I think I am. I watch what I put in my body, and try and move it when it feels off, but I guess I just want to be challenged, and use that challenge to shape a newer, better person. We all do this though, don't we? I'll change it tomorrow. I just know that tomorrow will just be the day after, unless I make the step and the jump.

Oh Joel Plaskett, do you have lyrics to everything?

Run, run, run, you must
‘Cause if you walk, you rust
You get crushed from a diamond into dirt road dust

I do believe it’s true, good things break in two
And when you leave this place, best tie up your lace
And run

Feeling restless, unanswered and in a small little rut. Must run.

I have no money
I have nothing to be sure of
I have no idea what might happen when the lights are...lit.

But I don't even care.

For the first time in a long time I feel calm, and only a little scared. I feel beautiful and unconventional. I feel sure of myself yet dependent. I feel wonderfully right and linear, excited for any end to tip, either way I'll be more than fine.

Pretty Jenn Grant tomorrow. Sushi. Enjoying Halifax, making sure my mind stays in your corner. Number.One.Fan.

JG, can I have your shoes?
xo

Down at the Khyber...

There are a few things I am craving lately, and here they are.

-A full time job. It doesn't even have to pay that much.
-Christmas. Seriously? Why am I craving Christmas. I'm hoping it's because I'll get to see my brother, and not because I'm turning into one of those people who plays Christmas music all year round'...Those people are lovely, just not me.
-MAC makeup. Lately, I've had a lot of fun with makeup. Not that I'm doing anything different, but I'm really enjoying playing with my face in the morning.
-Weekends where in which I don't leave the house. Stay on that sectional, and watch Glee. All weekend.

Work, Christmas, makeup and watching Glee....dream big Sarah.

Nocturne was cool! My favorite thing to see was the Maud Lewis display at the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia (http://www.artgalleryofnovascotia.ca/en/AGNS_Halifax/learn/maudlewis/default.aspx). Her little live in house/cottage was on display so I could glimpse into her little life. She painted everything, lamps, cookie sheets...the sides of her house. Lovely. I also liked wandering through the Khyber, knowing that many great things had happened there.

xo, friends.

Oh Hai Homework, not tonight, cool?

So it's begun. In the last two weeks I've been asked to choose roughly 4 presentation topics. I'm all over the map this semester. I started this year off with a goal of choosing topics that I really wanted to work on, and would contribute to my professional life after I was finished my school year. Instead, I've been drawing a blank on what I want to do, and presenting on topics that are so broad I'm not even sure where to start. In my last post I actually wrote about being domesticated. Not like you house train a dog, I swear I can already pee in the right spot. I'm wondering if becoming domesticated is an escape rather than a reality. It doesn't feel like an escape. Maybe because I've been lounging around, making a home work for me and feeling a part of something that I just want that for real. I'm tired of being a roommate, even though I'm very lucky to have one who works with me...I'm just ready to paint a wall. Or maybe this all has to do with finally not fearing a "career" or being an "adult". I'm just ready to stop borrowing, and start living.

Tonight was my first "I want a book and hot chocolate and my cat and Jenn Grant and fall leaves" night. I love you Fall, and can't wait to trek home and see the colours. And paint trim. And fall into it.

Oh, just domesticate me already.
Get me an Apron.
Tie it tight.
Carry me away.
Learn with me.
Laugh at the mistakes I make, because I'll laugh too.
Beat up the DJs upstairs, because I can't sleep. Better yet, hand me the headphones because you know...you know how much I love it.
Learn to love the things I love, and watch me watching. It'll change you.
Who? you ask... I dunno. Doesn't really matter, except to know it's out there.

We're teetering towards the edge, and once it's all said and done you can't possibly take it back. That's what I was trying to tell you, but you were in no state to listen. Everything looks prettier from my eyes. I don't even care that I'll be living off 100$ a month. It'll be worth it.

Let me cook. Or at least stir. I can lead. I have it in me.