Rusty

Instead of writing about it. Instead of wishing for it. I just have to do it. Look at me, writing about it. Basically, this morning C and I were discussing people doing great things. He has a friend who does all these epic hikes, and 7 marathons in 7 days kinda thing, and I was all "I need to do something big!" and he goes "you're getting your masters, that's big!". Why doesn't it feel that way? It's huge. Maybe not in the grand scheme of it all, but especially for me, right now. It's big.
Maybe it's more about my body and mind and wondering what they can really do if pushed. I know it's a running joke that I'm rather, aherm, slow...somewhat lazy, but I do know how to push my body, and I've done it before. It's more my dedication that is lacking, that lets me down. It use to be about being healthy, which I think I am. I watch what I put in my body, and try and move it when it feels off, but I guess I just want to be challenged, and use that challenge to shape a newer, better person. We all do this though, don't we? I'll change it tomorrow. I just know that tomorrow will just be the day after, unless I make the step and the jump.

Oh Joel Plaskett, do you have lyrics to everything?

Run, run, run, you must
‘Cause if you walk, you rust
You get crushed from a diamond into dirt road dust

I do believe it’s true, good things break in two
And when you leave this place, best tie up your lace
And run

Feeling restless, unanswered and in a small little rut. Must run.

I have no money
I have nothing to be sure of
I have no idea what might happen when the lights are...lit.

But I don't even care.

For the first time in a long time I feel calm, and only a little scared. I feel beautiful and unconventional. I feel sure of myself yet dependent. I feel wonderfully right and linear, excited for any end to tip, either way I'll be more than fine.

Pretty Jenn Grant tomorrow. Sushi. Enjoying Halifax, making sure my mind stays in your corner. Number.One.Fan.

JG, can I have your shoes?
xo

Down at the Khyber...

There are a few things I am craving lately, and here they are.

-A full time job. It doesn't even have to pay that much.
-Christmas. Seriously? Why am I craving Christmas. I'm hoping it's because I'll get to see my brother, and not because I'm turning into one of those people who plays Christmas music all year round'...Those people are lovely, just not me.
-MAC makeup. Lately, I've had a lot of fun with makeup. Not that I'm doing anything different, but I'm really enjoying playing with my face in the morning.
-Weekends where in which I don't leave the house. Stay on that sectional, and watch Glee. All weekend.

Work, Christmas, makeup and watching Glee....dream big Sarah.

Nocturne was cool! My favorite thing to see was the Maud Lewis display at the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia (http://www.artgalleryofnovascotia.ca/en/AGNS_Halifax/learn/maudlewis/default.aspx). Her little live in house/cottage was on display so I could glimpse into her little life. She painted everything, lamps, cookie sheets...the sides of her house. Lovely. I also liked wandering through the Khyber, knowing that many great things had happened there.

xo, friends.

Oh Hai Homework, not tonight, cool?

So it's begun. In the last two weeks I've been asked to choose roughly 4 presentation topics. I'm all over the map this semester. I started this year off with a goal of choosing topics that I really wanted to work on, and would contribute to my professional life after I was finished my school year. Instead, I've been drawing a blank on what I want to do, and presenting on topics that are so broad I'm not even sure where to start. In my last post I actually wrote about being domesticated. Not like you house train a dog, I swear I can already pee in the right spot. I'm wondering if becoming domesticated is an escape rather than a reality. It doesn't feel like an escape. Maybe because I've been lounging around, making a home work for me and feeling a part of something that I just want that for real. I'm tired of being a roommate, even though I'm very lucky to have one who works with me...I'm just ready to paint a wall. Or maybe this all has to do with finally not fearing a "career" or being an "adult". I'm just ready to stop borrowing, and start living.

Tonight was my first "I want a book and hot chocolate and my cat and Jenn Grant and fall leaves" night. I love you Fall, and can't wait to trek home and see the colours. And paint trim. And fall into it.

Oh, just domesticate me already.
Get me an Apron.
Tie it tight.
Carry me away.
Learn with me.
Laugh at the mistakes I make, because I'll laugh too.
Beat up the DJs upstairs, because I can't sleep. Better yet, hand me the headphones because you know...you know how much I love it.
Learn to love the things I love, and watch me watching. It'll change you.
Who? you ask... I dunno. Doesn't really matter, except to know it's out there.

We're teetering towards the edge, and once it's all said and done you can't possibly take it back. That's what I was trying to tell you, but you were in no state to listen. Everything looks prettier from my eyes. I don't even care that I'll be living off 100$ a month. It'll be worth it.

Let me cook. Or at least stir. I can lead. I have it in me.

Oh My My

Fall, and Harvest Jazz & Blues. Fredericton, you are absolutely perfect this time of year. Running home has never felt better, more tiring, more eye opening. My favorite show was, of course, the show I paid for. Jill Barber, you made me smile and even tear up a little.

She opened this song with "I had a dream about a woman who was so broken hearted, she went to her D, to try and get him to fix it". C told me that his co-worker's little daughter always wants him to dance with her to this song... Girls fall in love all the time, and apparently we understand that we'll be broken hearted, at a very very young age. The good news is, if you keep your eyes open and yourself standing...Usually, you find a way to fix it.

I went to the doctor
Knocked at his door
And he said girl what can I do you for
And I said doctor
For a start
The man I love has done and broke my heart

And he checked my pulse
And fever too
And he said girl theres nothing I can do
You are love sick
There ain't no cure
I fear the devils knocking at your door

He sent me home
And straight to bed
And gave me pills
To rest my head
But it won't do
Cause all I want
All I need
Is darling you

I said please don't let me go
I said please don't let me go
I said please don't let me go
I said please don't let me go....

Back at school. Had some issues with parking, but hopefully have that sorted out. Still adjusting to living with someone, but we seem to be doing wonderfully. Thinking about homework, money, jobs in May and all of them at home. Trying to enjoy my time here, because I know it will never happen again.

xo

Shall I?

This time of year, for the last 20 years, has always felt the same. Deep rooted excitement. The crispness of not only the season, but the newness of it all. I've talked (blogged?), many times about how much I love when the seasons change, just for that exact sense of newness. But something was different this year. I've never experienced a summer that has flown by more quickly than the last. I kept saying "I'll start saving now" or "I can fix that stuff with them later" or "one more night like this...just like this. Warm and perfect, and absolutely dreamy"...But then that one more time actually turned into no more times. And I was terrified again. Because I had no money. And no more nights. Of course, I'm running home tomorrow, but I already know something has shifted. And that feeling of newness of the season? Well I'm not sure about it anymore. Technically, every motion I'm going through I know is right and good. But as she handed out those assignments tonight and I knew they were all there. That it was there. That she was there, napping and ready to go for coffee any time, well it killed. I have no certainty, and maybe I'm just a little nervous right now because I'm waiting for someone to steal away any kind of security I have. I've learned to depend on something...And I'm just nervous...I learned to depend on a season. They always, always change.

But when will we ever have certainty? So much has changed in the 12 months. Literally. I'm either not getting use to it, or I refuse to believe we can't have a little certainty in our life.

Thank you, MLIS classmate for writing me that message. Thank you for inspiring me.

ex's and o's
Maybe. Always.
Baby steps between time.